Why are you smiling?

January 2025

Life can’t get any better, can it?

You’re in the middle of finalizing your PhD — almost ready to submit, but not quite yet. A lot of complications and unforeseen reasons have crept in, and the project period needed to be extended. Fair enough! A relief to be granted more time.

But here’s the catch: you’re stuck in limbo. A month goes by without a single penny landing in your account. Why? Because, guess what? The paperwork decided to go on vacation. People? Nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, rent’s due. Groceries need buying. And me? Well, who knows if I’m okay.

Thank God for the people who pushing things to take effect immediately. To them, I couldn’t be more thankful.

But wait — the absurdity doesn’t stop there. It just keeps coming, like waves crashing over me until I go completely numb. Imagine this: your university ID card stops working. Suddenly, you’re no longer welcome at your own desk. Finish your PhD, they said. Then miss university.

Oh, and the cherry on top? You’re already in the middle of endless emails trying to fix your salary situation when — surprise – surprise — you get another email: “Your current visa is due to expire. Please apply for your new CoE immediately”. What a thrill! Everyone dreams of hearing that, right? Welcome to Anxiety 101 — I’ll be your professor, whether I like it or not.

An apology email followed way later. “We’re sorry for the wrong email”, they said. But do they even realize? With just that one email, they yanked the ground out from under me. Do they have any idea what it’s like to live in that fear? To wonder if everything you’ve worked for is about to slip through your fingers? I’m not ready to tip a whole bottle of little pills down my throat just yet, thank you very much.

And this is not the first time Miss University has done this to me. They once deleted my entire database by “mistake”. Imagine that. Suddenly, I was being chased by immigration and Translink. A fun activity to have while drawing blood at a clinic, trying to figure out why I had chest pains. Oh, and did I mention it was summer? Thirty-seven degrees of heat. Well, that’s a whole different story to tell—and it will be told. Honey~honey.

And then, there’s the emotional side of things. Empathy, vulnerability—that never gets old, does it? I’m tangled in that fabric of being. Can’t help it.

“You have a beautiful smile”, someone says. A random comment from a stranger. Meanwhile, my colleague seethes with jealousy because she didn’t get the compliment. Sorry, I’m just always smiling. A coping mechanism, if you will. You have a beautiful smile too, colleague. You just don’t wear it as often.

But every now and then ~ “Oh, what’s happening? You look like shit!” Thanks, colleague. That means a lot. But wait – what’s happening? What happened to my smile?

Panic panic! Retreat retreat!

“How are you still standing?” “How come you’re still smiling?” Questions I get a lot —from people who know me. People who know what’s been happening behind the scenes.

What’s the answer? I don’t know. Maybe I’m still standing because crumbling isn’t an option. Maybe I’m still smiling because, after everything, I’m still here.

And apologies for me not replying to your messages, friends. I know you will be there for me if I ask. I will get there.

Except for you! I will always reply to yours. You know who you are 😊

Da-da-da.

Oh, and before I forget — hi, Beth!

Words of the Reader

“I appreciate this so much!🥰🥰“

Grateful for Your Time

Thank you for being here and supporting this journey. May you carry the inspiration, hope, and stories shared here with you always.

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