Open the blindfold

Unmasking Narcissists Early

What is Narcissism?

“Narcissism is a person who has a lack of empathy, inconsistency, entitlement, arrogance, egocentrism, chronic validation and admiration seeking, a constant need for control, poor emotional regulation, a propensity for intense rage when frustrated or disappointed, easy provocation, and thin-skinned sensitivity. Feedback or criticism triggers rapid and unregulated rage, coupled with pretentious and superficial tendencies, among other traits.

The core of narcissism is deep insecurity—a crucial aspect often overlooked. At their primal, unconscious level, these individuals don’t genuinely believe in their self-created hype. Instead, all these traits serve as a protective suit of armor against their unprocessed insecurity. The narcissistic person engages in a continuous battle against shame, an unconscious fear that others will perceive them as less than they project. Any hint of vulnerability, such as a joke at their expense, prompts an immediate defensive response to uphold dominance. Understanding the motivations of a narcissistic person reveals a drive for power, dominance, control, and, fundamentally, a sense of safety. Being in control, holding a position of authority, and possessing wealth are mechanisms through which they seek assurance and stability. Regardless of fame or outward appearances, this encapsulates the essence of narcissism.”^*3

~ Dr Ramani Durvasula

Decoding Narcissism

Navigating the complex landscape of narcissistic personality traits involves recognizing two primary subtypes: overt narcissists and covert narcissists. Overt narcissists embody conspicuous displays of grandiosity, seeking admiration while projecting an air of entitlement and superiority. Their behavior is marked by overt aggression, and they lack empathy, exploiting others to fulfill their desires. Socially confident and charming, overt narcissists manipulate and control those around them with a brazen approach.

In contrast, covert narcissists adopt a subtler strategy, concealing their self-centered tendencies beneath a facade of humility and apparent vulnerability. They may present themselves as introverted or shy, making it challenging for others to discern their true motives. Despite their seemingly reserved nature, covert narcissists harbor an intense desire for admiration, coupled with feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection. Their manipulation is often expressed through passive-aggressive behavior, allowing them to maintain control while playing the victim in interpersonal relationships.

While overt and covert narcissists share a common core of self-centeredness and a lack of genuine empathy, their distinct approaches make understanding and navigating relationships with them a nuanced challenge. Recognizing these subtypes provides insight into the diverse spectrum of narcissistic behaviors, empowering individuals to identify and respond to the manipulative dynamics that may arise in their interactions ^*2.

Identifying a covert narcissist can be an elusive task, as these individuals excel at concealing their true nature beneath a veneer of subtlety and charm. Unlike their overt counterparts who display grandiosity and arrogance, covert narcissists mask their self-centered tendencies with an air of humility and apparent vulnerability. This inconspicuous presentation often leads to a significant challenge in recognizing their narcissistic traits.

One key reason why covert narcissists are difficult to identify lies in their adeptness at playing the victim. They skillfully craft a narrative where they portray themselves as the perpetual underdog, evoking sympathy and compassion from those around them. Their ability to manipulate emotions through subtle tactics, such as creating sob stories, makes it challenging for others to perceive the underlying narcissistic motives. The covert narcissist’s façade of humility and victimhood becomes a potent tool for manipulation, clouding the judgment of those trying to understand their true nature.

Moreover, covert narcissists are skilled at mirroring the behaviors of those they interact with, adapting to social situations with apparent ease. This mirroring capability makes them adept at blending in, further complicating the process of identifying their narcissistic traits. Their capacity to present a false self that aligns with the expectations of those around them adds another layer of complexity to recognizing their true nature.

In essence, the covert narcissist’s ability to operate under the radar, coupled with their skillful manipulation of emotions and adept social adaptation, creates a formidable challenge for anyone attempting to unmask their narcissistic tendencies. It often requires a keen understanding of subtle behavioral patterns and a careful examination of the dynamics within relationships to reveal the covert narcissist hidden beneath the surface ^*2.

Art of Identifying Covert Manipulation

Where disruption meets victimhood, creating an illusion of innocence

One of the most perilous types of narcissists is the Covert Narcissist, akin to stealth bombers in their approach. Their presence often goes unnoticed, deviating from the stereotypical image one might associate with narcissism. Contrary to the common perception of a narcissist as someone commanding attention with overt confidence, the covert narcissist operates differently. They adopt a victim-like demeanor, strategically portraying themselves as the recipient of misfortune. Their tactic involves entering a situation, causing disruption, and subsequently assuming the role of the victim, creating an illusion of innocence – “Ahh poor me” ^*3.

~ Caroline Strawson

Is narcissism a mental illness?

No, despite what many might say. Narcissism is a personality disorder, specifically categorized in the DSM, often referred to as the psychologist’s Bible, under cluster B, where various personality disorders are classified, including sociopathy, histrionics, and borderline personality disorders.

To elaborate, consider this analogy: if you have a cat that is unwell, you can take it to the vet, and with the right medication, the cat can recover. However, a narcissist, akin to a cat needing an operation, cannot undergo such a transformation. There is no brain injury to be corrected; the narcissist cannot be “operated” on. The vet might suggest that the cat has behavioral issues, and in such cases, consulting an animal behaviorist can lead to a change in the cat’s behavior over time. In contrast, a narcissist, no matter the therapist or expert involved, will never change their behavior.

Considering narcissism as an illness may lead one to believe that love or external intervention can remedy the condition. However, this perspective overlooks a fundamental truth: narcissists cannot be fixed because they have a personality disorder. It’s akin to desiring a cat to transform into a dog—it’s an unattainable aspiration. The core reason why narcissists cannot change is that they are being asked to transform into something inherently incompatible with their nature. Requesting a narcissist to become more aware, gain insight, or be more compassionate is essentially asking them to utilize tools they don’t possess and develop qualities that are beyond their capacity. In essence, attempting to change a narcissist in this way is an endeavor that is bound to be futile^*3.

~ Bev Baker

The Trap

An illustrative incident from my own life underscores the cunning tactics of a dangerous narcissist. This individual would deliberately mistreat me, orchestrating unsettling scenarios designed to evoke fear. They would spread untrue and hurtful tales about me to others, ensuring I overheard, while clandestinely relocating items in the house only to later accuse me of theft. Astonishingly, upon entering the workplace, this person would adopt a facade of innocence, portraying themselves as the victim, garnering sympathy from unsuspecting colleagues.

In such a situation, a typical response might be to trust their words, offering consolation and attempting to alleviate their apparent distress. However, what many fail to comprehend is that such actions only serve to fuel the narcissist’s insatiable need for attention. I have been guilty of succumbing to this pattern, falling prey to someone else’s delusions and manipulative motives. The narcissist, with puppy eyes and crocodile tears, skillfully maneuvers to elicit sympathy, melting hearts and coercing compliance with their intentions. It’s a cycle where one blinds oneself again with their foggy tales.

The peril arises when you decide to discontinue the provision of the attention they crave. As soon as you cease contributing to their narrative, you find yourself relegated to the “worst person” category in their mind. The insidious twist lies in their concerted effort to ensure that you become the “worst person” in the eyes of others as well. This form of narcissist represents the most dangerous encounter one can face, adept at weaving a web of deception and manipulation that extends far beyond individual interactions ^*1.

~ Avik Nandy

Do not harbor guilt for another day, especially not for a narcissist

If you suspect that you’ve been involved with a covert narcissist, there’s a significant likelihood that they’re actively working to undermine your life. It’s important to realize that you’re not irrational for harboring these suspicions. Here’s why: all narcissists construct a fabricated reality where they must be perceived as the best. Whether it’s having an inflated ego, delusions of grandeur, or positioning themselves as the ultimate victim, they meticulously shape this false narrative. Covert narcissists excel at portraying themselves as the best victim, perpetually victimizing themselves to manipulate and guilt-trip you throughout the entire relationship.

Unlike grandiose narcissists who seek your success as an extension of their own image, covert narcissists find success incompatible with their perpetual victimhood narrative. Subconsciously or even knowingly, they’ll attempt to bring you down faster than an anchor in the ocean. They might manifest major health issues right when you’re supposed to attend a crucial work event, isolating you from potential career support. Because they must always be the ultimate victim, you’re not allowed to have sick days or deal with your health issues independently.

Witnessing them compete with you over being the “sick one” becomes absurd, with them one-upping your health problems in a relentless manner. It’s crucial to recognize that being with someone actively trying to undermine you is a recipe for misery, heartache, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and a myriad of health issues. You deserve a partner who genuinely wants you to succeed and takes pride in your accomplishments simply because they love you for who you are. Taking the step to go no contact with the covert narcissist, without harboring guilt, can lead to an immediate improvement in your life ^*3.

~ Danielle Radin

Have you ever observed a narcissist display tears?

If you have, the encounter can be unsettling, intentionally so. It represents a deceptive maneuver employed by narcissists to redirect focus away from their own questionable actions. This calculated act is strategically crafted to pivot attention from their wrongdoings to their displayed emotions. Its objective is to evoke empathy, sympathy, and even guilt to the extent that you may feel compelled to apologize for supposedly causing their tears. This manipulative tactic is often deployed when narcissists sense they have crossed boundaries, risking the other person’s departure. It’s a ploy designed to attract attention, and even in solemn situations like funerals, a narcissist might employ an exaggerated display of emotion, known as the “ugly cry“, to center the occasion around themselves ^*3.

~ Bev Baker

The Crocodile Tears

Crocodile tears is a metaphorical expression that refers to insincere or feigned displays of emotion. The term has its roots in the ancient belief that crocodiles shed tears while eating their prey. However, it is essential to note that crocodiles do not cry due to emotional distress; rather, they produce tears as a physiological response to regulate salt levels and prevent their eyes from drying out.

In the context of narcissistic behavior, the concept of crocodile tears aligns with the manipulative tactics employed by narcissists to deceive and control others. When a narcissist sheds tears, it is not a genuine expression of emotion but a calculated strategy to serve their self-interest. The metaphor underscores the deceptive nature of their emotional displays, mirroring the idea that, like a crocodile shedding tears while consuming prey, the narcissist’s tears are divorced from authentic feelings.

Narcissists may deploy crocodile tears in various scenarios, such as during conflicts, arguments, or moments when they fear consequences for their actions. The aim is to evoke sympathy, manipulate others’ perceptions, and divert attention away from their own wrongdoing. By mimicking genuine emotional responses, narcissists exploit the empathy and compassion of those around them, furthering their agenda to maintain control and garner support.

Understanding the metaphor of crocodile tears in the context of narcissistic behavior emphasizes the artificiality of their emotional displays, serving as a reminder to remain vigilant and discerning when confronted with such manipulative tactics ^*2.

Narcissists use your vulnerabilities, your childhood trauma, your innermost emotions and thoughts that you told them as weapons against you.

Danielle Radin

Journalist

The Grey rock

How do you get your emotional freedom back?

For those unable to sever ties with a narcissist due to co-parenting, work, familial connections, or other constraints, employing the Grey Rock method becomes essential. This coping tool acts as a shield, preventing the constant power plays and attempts to induce chaos by the narcissist. Recognizing that narcissists thrive on drama, Grey Rock involves becoming emotionally unresponsive, akin to a dull and unremarkable grey rock. The key is to refrain from offering any personal information that the narcissist can weaponize against you. Narcissists exploit vulnerabilities, childhood traumas, and intimate emotions to assert control. By denying them access to such information, you disrupt their tactics.

In a Grey Rock state, one refrains from divulging additional trauma or vulnerabilities. Even if such details were shared in the past, it’s crucial to halt this flow of information from now on. When faced with baiting comments or attempts to incite conflict, the Grey Rock responder remains composed, offering brief, non-emotional responses. For instance, in response to a narcissistic mother-in-law’s attempt to stir conflict by bringing up a supposed ongoing disagreement with a boss, one might calmly state that the issue has been resolved, expressing gratitude for her concern. The essence lies in refusing to engage in drama, avoiding anger, and steering clear of passive-aggressive exchanges. By maintaining a consistently uninteresting demeanor, the narcissist may initially intensify efforts to provoke emotions but eventually retreat, leaving you in peace. The key is to keep responses minimal, never pushing the conversation forward, and swiftly concluding interactions. Should the narcissist resort to blame, harassment, or revisiting the past, Grey Rock responses include phrases like “That was your perception of things,” “I don’t have time for this,” and promptly disengaging from the conversation, whether by leaving the room or taking a break ^*3.

~ Danielle Radin

Unlocking the secrets of narcissistic behavior is essential for those seeking to navigate relationships with these individuals. Recognizing early signs and understanding the core motivations of narcissists can provide a powerful advantage in interactions. Unlike conventional human behavior guided by empathy, fairness, and loyalty, narcissists are propelled by a relentless pursuit of power, control, and dominance. Expecting them to adhere to norms of compassion or reciprocity sets the stage for disappointment and frustration.

Narcissists display a remarkably consistent set of traits, making their behavior highly predictable. Their lack of self-reflection, entitlement, and objectification of others as mere instruments for their satisfaction are defining features. Attempting to engage with a narcissist using conventional emotional cues often leads to a rude awakening. Whether in a short-lived encounter or a long-term relationship, understanding that their motivations revolve around winning, superiority, and manipulation is crucial.

Moreover, anticipating the cyclical nature of narcissistic relationships is imperative. The initial love bombing phase, followed by devaluation, discard, and the potential for a subsequent hoover, creates a destructive pattern. Many individuals find themselves trapped in this merry-go-round, hoping for change that rarely materializes. The key lies in recognizing the unchanging nature of narcissists and empowering oneself to break free from the cycle, fostering a life untethered from manipulation and deceit ^*3.

~ Claire Auden

Expect the Narcissist to behave like a Narcissist

Five ways to spot a narcissist

Playing the Victim: A hallmark trait is their inclination to always portray themselves as the victim. They perceive the entire world and everyone in it as having conspired against them throughout their life, absolving themselves of any responsibility for their actions. In their narrative, fault lies squarely on someone else’s shoulders.
Deny, Deny, Deny: Regardless of the evidence presented, a narcissist will vehemently deny any accusations. The avoidance of shame is paramount, even if caught red-handed. They skillfully sidestep taking ownership or responsibility, maintaining an unwavering denial stance.
Deflection: Expect a skilled narcissist to deflect any accusations by redirecting the conversation and turning the focus back on you. Suddenly, what began as a discussion about their actions becomes a narrative centered around you, effectively shifting blame and attention.
Gaslighting: Employing classic gaslighting techniques, they will sow seeds of doubt about your perception of reality. Statements like “Are you sure that’s what I said?” or “That doesn’t sound like me at all” aim to make you question your sanity. They may even insinuate that you’re fabricating scenarios in your mind.
Narcissistic Rage: When all else fails, anticipate a shift to aggressive behavior, culminating in what’s known as narcissistic rage. This is a tactic used to intimidate and scare you into submission, compelling you to back off from the confrontation ^*3.

~ Mark Fennell

^*1 The stories shared here don’t adhere to any specific timeframe; rather, they have unfolded across various chapters of my life, each resonating with the authenticity of my personal experiences.

^*2 These facts are based on scientific research, surveys, and desktop studies conducted by mental health professionals, coaches, and experts in the field, offering a comprehensive understanding of the complexities of narcissistic behavior in various contexts.

*3 The content in this section draws inspiration and insights from various sources, including clinical psychologists, Emmy Award-Winning Journalists, Trauma Informed Coaches and Therapists, and Narcissistic Abuse Educators and Recovery Coaches. Their expertise and perspectives have enriched the understanding presented here.

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Acknowledgement of Traditional Custodians

We pay our respects to the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander ancestors of this land, their spirits and their legacy. The foundations laid by these ancestors gives strength, inspiration and courage to current and future generations, both First Nations and non-First Nations peoples, towards creating a better Queensland.